StellarWind Elsydeon (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
stellarwind) wrote2008-10-01 11:39 pm
stellarwind) wrote2008-10-01 11:39 pm
It's official. I can't cope with this anymore.
Congratulations. The Stel has officially beat the LHC in the creation of a micro black-hole.
Although on an internal scale.
I feel like someone pulled the plug out on something inside me and everything got sucked into some alternate dimension and is just... fucking... gone. I can't think of anything. I can't FEEL anything. I can barely even BREATHE.
It's at times like this when people that aren't me do stupid things to themselves in order to feel SOMETHING.
I never believed in that, and the knowledge that at least that part of my consciousness still stands is a mildly comforting thought. Even if earlier I did feel like attacking several brick walls with my head just to take out whatever the hell it is on SOMETHING. I restrained it because I know all it's going to do is give me a headache and do nothing past that.
Heh.
You know, when you spend as much time online as I do, staring in bemused pity at all those idiots who act like uber-emo drama queens because it's trendy to be whiny bitches, you start feeling it's not legitimate to be in a similar state yourself even if you DO have reasons to be.
It's like, you find yourself thinking "good grief, man. it's only a trivial little crisis, stop acting like it's the end of the fucking world".
And then you're like "Yeah. tell that to the part that gives a fuck. Oh right. it's gone."
And then you're like "Self, why are you talking to yourself?"
And then you're like "I dunno, why are you responding?"
Then you're like "Because I have a penchant for intelligent conversation?"
Then both your selves settle down, get stone drunk and sing along to Barry Manilow. BADLY.
All craziness on a stick, You know what the absurd thing is? Well, one of many. But still.
I'm supposed to be in a GOOD point in life right now. A point of new beginnings. Some of my friends have chronic illnesses and live their entire life in pain, all I have is minor asthma. I have a loving supporting family, which is something NONE of my friends seems to have nowadays. I'm not living in a box under a bridge with nothing but the clothes on my skin and an internet connection implanted in my jaw.
... And yet, right now I don't feel like any of that has any significance whatsoever. Because I'm so wrapped up in my own god damned emotions that none of it seems to matter. Emotions. Fucking hell. I'm sick and tired of emotions. All they seem to bring me in the long run is a world of hurt. Memories too. They say it's a matter of choice, how you deal with them, but I find it that it's exceptionally difficult to hang on to the memories as something good. They tend to have very sharp edges. Especially the little things. And they tend to come in swarms.
All part of being human, I guess.
Yeah. I'll get over this at some point. Time heals wounds, or so they say. It could make some wounds worse, but... meh. I've faced crises before and survived them. I'll face this one too. Maybe I'll start feeling things again soon. I never learn. But it's not possible to lose one's emotions completely... Unfortunately.
Ironically the loop I'm in seems to enforce itself time and time again and I don't really feel like I can ever emerge from it. I can't just give up and not try however, because the only way to do that is to just... give up on life. And I'm not enough of a selfish ass to stand up and tell the universe that it can't fire me, I quit. That would just cause too much pain to other people who don't deserve to suffer. Never been suicidal, never intend to be.
I just need time to get over this I guess.
How long remains to be seen.
Although on an internal scale.
I feel like someone pulled the plug out on something inside me and everything got sucked into some alternate dimension and is just... fucking... gone. I can't think of anything. I can't FEEL anything. I can barely even BREATHE.
It's at times like this when people that aren't me do stupid things to themselves in order to feel SOMETHING.
I never believed in that, and the knowledge that at least that part of my consciousness still stands is a mildly comforting thought. Even if earlier I did feel like attacking several brick walls with my head just to take out whatever the hell it is on SOMETHING. I restrained it because I know all it's going to do is give me a headache and do nothing past that.
Heh.
You know, when you spend as much time online as I do, staring in bemused pity at all those idiots who act like uber-emo drama queens because it's trendy to be whiny bitches, you start feeling it's not legitimate to be in a similar state yourself even if you DO have reasons to be.
It's like, you find yourself thinking "good grief, man. it's only a trivial little crisis, stop acting like it's the end of the fucking world".
And then you're like "Yeah. tell that to the part that gives a fuck. Oh right. it's gone."
And then you're like "Self, why are you talking to yourself?"
And then you're like "I dunno, why are you responding?"
Then you're like "Because I have a penchant for intelligent conversation?"
Then both your selves settle down, get stone drunk and sing along to Barry Manilow. BADLY.
All craziness on a stick, You know what the absurd thing is? Well, one of many. But still.
I'm supposed to be in a GOOD point in life right now. A point of new beginnings. Some of my friends have chronic illnesses and live their entire life in pain, all I have is minor asthma. I have a loving supporting family, which is something NONE of my friends seems to have nowadays. I'm not living in a box under a bridge with nothing but the clothes on my skin and an internet connection implanted in my jaw.
... And yet, right now I don't feel like any of that has any significance whatsoever. Because I'm so wrapped up in my own god damned emotions that none of it seems to matter. Emotions. Fucking hell. I'm sick and tired of emotions. All they seem to bring me in the long run is a world of hurt. Memories too. They say it's a matter of choice, how you deal with them, but I find it that it's exceptionally difficult to hang on to the memories as something good. They tend to have very sharp edges. Especially the little things. And they tend to come in swarms.
All part of being human, I guess.
Yeah. I'll get over this at some point. Time heals wounds, or so they say. It could make some wounds worse, but... meh. I've faced crises before and survived them. I'll face this one too. Maybe I'll start feeling things again soon. I never learn. But it's not possible to lose one's emotions completely... Unfortunately.
Ironically the loop I'm in seems to enforce itself time and time again and I don't really feel like I can ever emerge from it. I can't just give up and not try however, because the only way to do that is to just... give up on life. And I'm not enough of a selfish ass to stand up and tell the universe that it can't fire me, I quit. That would just cause too much pain to other people who don't deserve to suffer. Never been suicidal, never intend to be.
I just need time to get over this I guess.
How long remains to be seen.